Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Got Questions? Ask Newman

Got a question that's driving you batty? Submit your inquiry to Newman Knows All, and I'll do my darnedest to deliver a prompt response. Please keep in mind that I cannot offer legal, financial, or marital advice. You have to pay professionals dearly for those services.

The Ask Newman idea evolved after Roger confided in me about a conversation that he had with his new found friend Rex, a 3 1/2 month old Frenchie. Being the young lad that he is, Rex is full of questions. But then again, aren't all kids?

Seeing that Rog and Rex share a common heritage, it's only natural for him to look up to Rog, both literally and figuratively. With his seemingly sawed-off legs, it isn't often that Roger can boast that someone looks up to him.

Thank you for that very good question, Rex.

Being born with a set of bat ears the like of yours, it is completely natural to assume that you might be able to soar through the sky. However, let me assure you that this is not the case. Roger has tried repeatedly to take flight from various elevations, including the back of the couch and the top of our staircase and has failed every time.

I trust you've heard the idiomatic phrase "when pigs fly" — meaning that something will never happen. Well, the same could be said of any aspirations you have to fly nonstop across the Atlantic like Lucky Lindbergh did in 1927.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, however, I can't stand the thought of you taking flight off the Eiffel Tower assuming that your gargantuan bat ears are going to magically turn into a set of Boeing 747 wings and glide you to a safe landing.

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