Thursday, May 29, 2008

Take this job and shove it!

Newman working on animal law article for alumni magazine

As many of you know, I had been helping out the Communications Office working as a ghostwriter helping to pick up some slack while Mom's supervisor, Ms. Kelly, works to get back into the grind after returning from maternity leave.

Unlike several of Mom's co-workers, whose names will go unmentioned, I took my position seriously and never sent inappropriate e-mail messages, used profanity, or shopped on-line while on the clock.

Unfortunately, just recently the proverbial shit hit the fan after a furry, four-legged visitor left a suprise present for the housekeeping staff. Needless to say, I think that they would have much rather preferred a plate of homemade cookies as to the fudge left in the hallway.

Being a state-run educational institution, Penn State University has a policy on everything under the sun. While the policy regarding animals in the building has never been strictly enforced at the Law School, after a couple of incidents like the aforementioned one the following edict was handed down.

University Policy SY07 on Control of Animals on University Property provides that no person shall bring any animal into a University building. The presence of animals on University property has had, in many cases, an adverse effect on the normal functions of the University by causing bodily harm to individuals, unsanitary conditions in University buildings and facilities, and nuisances.

Do not bring dogs or any other animals into any University building. Violations of this policy are punishable by law.

While I harbor no ill feelings toward the administration for implementing this policy, I am saddened that I will no longer be able to chew the fat in the staff infection lounge with my co-workers.

Newman and Aunt Lisa kickin' back in the staff infection lounge

I think that Johnny Paycheck best sums up my feelings with his 1978 hit, "Take this job and shove it!"

Monday, May 26, 2008

SmackDown in Brushtown

Jax the Jowls of Death and Newmie the Newbie face off

Roars of utter disbelief came over the crowd as Newmie the Newbie Knowlton took down his giant-headed contender cousin Jax the Jowls of Death in a much awaited Memorial Day match up.

Although at one point in the match it appeared as though Jax was ready to throw in the towel as he lay on the grass, paws up in the air as if begging for mercy, Newman could sense the life slowly flowing back into the bowels of the beast.

Realizing that he had both speed and youth on his side, Newmie, weighing only one-quarter the weight of his contender, used reverse psychology to bring down the 230-pound mammoth monster. So rather than chasing his challenger, Newman employed the "Na nee na nee boop boop. You can't catch me" strategy to suck the life out of the weary beast. Newman delivered his final blow using a patented "Dragon Sleeper Hold," also known as the "Beast Choker" which victoriously obtained him the pin and ultimately the Brushtown Belt.

At the conclusion of the showdown, Jax was on his back staring up at the open sky of the arena while hundreds of spectators, including his two cock-a-poo cousins walked away celebrating the new man on the block's triumphant win over long-time heavy weight champion Jax the Jowls of Death Knowlton.

Reliable sources report that after having the wind knocked out of his sails, Ajax's head is not as big as it was before the match. Whether or not he's just talking smack, word on the street is that Ajax has issued an invitation for another face off vowing to win back the prestigious Brushtown Belt. Stay tuned for further developments.

Newmie goes in for the kill

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Jail Break

Prisoner in Lockdown

Well, it's been almost three weeks since my sentence was handed down. The infraction occurred late on a Thursday evening when we were getting ready to leave Uncle RB's house.

After ignoring Dad's command to "get in the truck," I got a juvenile hair up my butt and displayed complete and total disrespect for authority by running circles around M&D as they were both screaming their lungs out for me to "come" - a command which obviously escaped me at the time. Hearing Dad mutter something like "You're going to be sorry when I get my paws on you," I decided that in doing my laps around them, I better keep just out of arms reach. This tactic, I believe, only added insult to injury.

The biggest shock of my life, however, came at the tail end of my two-day leash restriction when the warden at the Brushtown Area Correctional Facility granted me "off leash" for my hour of exercise in the prison yard.

Just when I thought that there was little hope for escape with Brushtown Correctional Officer Snoop Daddy Dawg breathing down my neck, one of the other inmates yelled, "Look over there. A nude monkey!" After doing some quick ciphering about the distance to freedom and the maximum running speed of which I needed to reach to my goal, I decided to make a break for it.

I remember rounding third base with home plate clearly in sight, when all of a sudden, "WHAM!" I got nailed with what felt like a thunderbolt of lightning. During the split second that all of the extra electric juice was getting pumped into me, I thought, "This must be what it's like on "The Green Mile."

Never knowing what lies ahead of me when wearing the electronic behavioral modification device, I try my hardest to stay within the confines of the correctional exercise area. One thing, however, is certain. Officer Snoop Daddy Dawg certainly instilled the fear of Dog in me with that ZAP!

Prisoner allowed off-leash privilege when wearing monitoring device

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Who let the cat out?

I know that my first birthday is still almost 4 months out, but you know Mom and how she has to plan ahead. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised if she has her own funeral arrangements planned. Mom was so excited that she couldn't keep the secret in the vault until September and let the "cat out of the bag," so to speak.

In any event, last night she and Dad went on-line and booked the place (Just Chillin') where we'll be celebrating this milestone of my life. Just Chillin' is located a few miles south of Whalehead which, in case you are wondering, is no relation to my cousin, Big Head.

Quite frankly, I would have been perfectly content with having a few friends over for cake and ice cream, renting one of those giant jumping cages, and playing American Gladiators.

Although I really don't know what to expect, I have seen dozens of pictures of BR having a grand time on the sandy beaches in the Outer Barks. I can't wait to build sand castles, chase seagulls, and catch ghost crabs whatever they are.

Thanks M & D!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mother's Day Monsters on a Leash

I know that many of you are wondering about my performance in the match yesterday sponsored by the Chambersburg Area Kennel Club. Well, unfortunately, it was a wash out!

When I woke Mom at 6 a.m. for first call, it was raining "cats and dogs." Dad suggested that we go back to bed and assess the situation in two hours. Fast forward two hours - still a torrential down pour. So, my idea of bringing home a "Best in Show" from the match for a Mother's Day present was foiled. So, what now, I thought?

Well, I heard Mom talking with her co-workers about one of her favorite meals which en'tail'ed lobster Newman-burg, so I sent Dad on a mission to find the biggest, best lobster in the world for Mom! He returned with a 2 pounder for Mom and a 5 pounder for himself.

So as a good and faithful husband and dedicated Dad, he used my weekly allowance to purchase two lobsters so big, that when they arrived, I thought they were company for dinner NOT dinner itself!

And, since I couldn't perform at the CAKC match because of weather, M & D decided to line me up with my crustascean cousins for practice. Needless to say, I took "Best on Bench."

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Writer's Block

I apologize to all of my fans who have been anxiously awaiting "new" material to be posted. My lack of "tails" is certainly not because of a shortfall of events in my life nor is it because I've come down with a nasty case of writer's block.

Au contraire!

As of late, I have been an extremely busy boxer and there are only so many hours in a day -twenty-four to be exact. But who's splitting hairs? Definitely not me because I only use all natural, "good for the environment," veterinarian approved Earthbath shampoo.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Newman's Debut

Anybody got a match? Nita Nee Kennel Club did last Sunday, April 28th when I made my first official debut in the ring at their AKC Sanctioned B-OB Match (which does not stand for Bring Own Boxer!).

Seriously, I don't know who was more nervous - Dad, me, or Mom cheering us on from the sidelines. We would have looked like real "maroons" had my Aunt Trish, a member of the Nita Nee Kennel Club, not shown us the ropes. Not only did Trish give M & D tips on loosening up in the ring, she also threw my butt up on a grooming table and buffed me up for the ring. Thanks so much!

We were completely baffled, yet pleasantly surprised to learn that Uncle Tony Louwerse was judging my first appearance in the ring. I knew that he would take it easy on Dad who was as nervous as a dog crapping razor blades. Ouch!

It wasn't a minute after Uncle Tony told Dad, "Sir, just relax. This isn't Westminster. We're all here for fun!" that I was presented with a "Best in Breed" ribbon which meant that I advanced to compete for top dog in my group - the Working Class. I thought about rubbing my ribbon in the boxer's face who was ahead of me in the ring, but Mom taught me that bragging isn't polite. Furthermore, I was the only boxer in the 6-9 month old dog category so I would have looked like a real "magna maroon" boasting to a make believe boxer.

Fast forward another 30 minutes of patiently waiting and smelling the aroma wafting from the Hot Diggity Dog Diggity Wagon, and Dad and I were back in the ring competing for Best in Group. This time I wasn't the only pooch in the ring and Uncle Tony was not the judge, so no one could bark foul play.

When the judge came over and handed Dad my "Best in Group" ribbon, I thought that he was going to drop a load right there in the ring. I beat out a Bernese Mountain Dog, a Giant Schnauzer, and a Rottweiler which meant that I advanced to Best in Show. The judge obviously didn't see me take a whiz on Dad's loafer.

When it was time for my final appearance in Best in Show, I had endured close to another hour of smelling the sizzling snauages on the grill from the Weenie Wagon, and I had all that I could take. Not really in the stacking frame of mind, I decided to take a rest and sit down most of the time in the ring during my BIS performance.

So, not being able to impress the judge with my stack, I decided that I might be able to get her attention by producing some of the largest stalagtites known to dogkind. Wrong idea! I think that she was so disgusted by my dribble that she intentionally chose that chocolate colored dust mop as Best in Show to teach me a lesson. Oh well, live and learn.

In any event after the show, Uncle Tony gave Dad a private lesson on handling which included advice on giving my fuzz nuts a gentle squeeze to get me to stand erect.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Tony!