The Anatomy of a NASDOG

NASDOG Newman

Since my performance in the ring on Father's Day was less than stellar and I hadn't bought a present for Dad yet, I figured what better way to spend the day than to just hang out and do guy stuff with him. So, because it was too stinking hot to do any manly activities outside, we turned on the boob tube, sat on the couch - remote in one hand and beer in the other, and spent several quality hours of surfing through the various channels looking for the most manly sporting event.

While boxing, of course, is my favorite sport, I am quickly becoming an avid fan of many other spectator sports including hockey, tennis, golf, and now NASCAR.

Watching Tiger Woods sink a dramatic birdie putt at 18 in the final round of the U.S. Open which forced an 18-hole playoff was quite spectacular. However, in my opinion, watching Dale Earnhardt Jr. win the LifeLock 400 at Michigan International Speedway was just as entertaining. Not only did I learn some motor head lingo from Dad while watching the race, I also received an anatomy lesson.

The conversation went like this:

Dad: Ok, Newman. This is called NASCAR. NASCAR is an acronym for National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. To truly enjoy this sport, you must have a set of those little fuzzy things like you do between your back legs.

Newman: Ok, Dad. I think I understand. But didn't Beulah Ruth enjoy watching NASCAR with you?

Dad: Yes, but she mostly was looking for fashion faux paws to avoid.

Newman: You mean like mullets, fanny packs, and bling?

Dad: Exactly, Newman.

Dad: Now, pay attention, son. Next, you will see some cars coming in for a pit stop which is where a racing vehicle stops in the pits for refueling, new tires, repairs, mechanical adjustments, and sometimes a driver change.

Dad points to paws and explains: These are your tires, Newman. You are going to get four "new" ones during your next pit stop.

Newman: Ok, Dad. Even though I like my white walls just fine the way they are, I guess that I need a new set to speed race around the back yard.

Dad: Right, son.

Next, Dad points to my mouth and explains: This is where your fuel goes. After going down the hatch and into the belly (power plant/engine), the Canidae that you consume as fuel is converted into the necessary horsepower needed to speed race around the back yard.

Now, don't get confused on this point. Although you are a dog, it's still called horsepower, not dog-power. Even our John Deere tractor is gauged by horsepower, not Deere-power.

A byproduct of your fuel conversion is excess gas, which is expelled through your exhaust system.

Newman: Would that be my NASSHOLE, Dad?

Dad: No, son. NASSHOLES are inconsiderate NASCAR fans!

Dad: Well, that's enough race terminology for the day, son. Let' just sit back and enjoy the show. Round and round we go!

What better way to spend Dad's Day than watching the second-most popular professional sport in terms of television ratings inside the United States? Do you know what the most popular one is?

In memory of my late sister BR, an avid NASCAR fan

Show biz can really blow

Although Mom never officially entered the teaching field after she earned her B.S. degree in English education from Shippensburg University in 1993, it's obvious that her desire to impart others with knowledge of the English language still runs through her veins.

Whether it's because we are still new to the show circuit or that Mom's just learning the lingo, she inevitably feels the need to wrap up a session in the ring with a vocabulary lesson. Because I know that many of you are also green when it comes to ring lingo, I have decided to share my new-found knowlege with you - which, by the way, is no relative of the Newfoundland, another AKC recognized breed in the Working Class.

Ring Lingo 101: Newman's New-found Knowledge

1. Blowing a coat - shedding excessively.

Very similar to the term "blowing money" - aka spending excessively or breaking the bank - which Mom has been known to do on a regular basis.

No relation to the slang term "blow this joint" - meaning to make a quick exit.

Grammy Lee buffs up Newman for the ring

Not a pot to piss in

I know that many of you are dying to know how I did in my first real show, so here it goes. The show was sponsored by the Bryn Mawr Kennel Club, Inc. and held in beautiful Pottstown, PA.

As many of you know, Mom is definitely not a morning person. So, since I had to be in the ring at 8:30 a.m. sharp, she had the brilliant idea that staying in Pottstown, PA, would be fun and the two-hour drive from home would not interfere with her beauty sleep.

After my stunning, third-place performance in the ring, which everyone but the Judge was quite impressed with, we watched my half-sister, Samantha, and my new friend, Cha Cha, win their classes. You go girls!

Then we went to ring three to watch Mister Ed perform. Mr. Ed is a French Bulldog, not a horse. Polly Vous Francais? The Bryn Mawr show was Ed's first time in the ring, too. Good job, Ed!

After we were finished performing, Mom, Dad, and I had the entire day to ourselves to spend in lovely Pottstown. (Ed - You are going to have to excuse my French here, but there isn't a damn thing to do in Pottstown.) You can't even buy a pot! I know. Dad tried. I think that my lips must have turned ten different shades of pink when he asked the desk attendant at the Taj Mahal (aka the Days Inn) if he knew where we could buy some pot.

We did visit the nearby Valley Forge National Historical Park, which commemorates the sacrifices and perseverance of the Revolutionary War generation, so that Mom could legitimately use "educational" on my excuse form as to why I was not in school that day. Unless there is some other art form combined with the performance, the school administration frowns upon "showing" as a justifiable excuse.

All joking aside, it was a really fun weekend, and I can't wait for my next performance on July 4 in West Friendship, MD. Stay tuned!

Fan Mail

While Blogger.com allows anyone to post comments directly on "Newman's Notes," I often receive private fan mail at my personal e-mail account which I thought would be nice to share with my readers from time to time.

This one comes from Spencer, a 14-month old Labradoodle, who had this to say about my homemade cookies that he received as a token of friendship from my cousins Hannah and Cooter:

Dear Newman - I sure am enjoying those tasty treats that you made to benefit the American Cancer Society. I am rewarded with one when I am a good boy, which only happens once a day or so. We all enjoy your Web site and the pictures of your friends. You sure are one handsome feller. Thanks again.

Your pal - Spencer McCoy

Spencer pictured at 5 months old

The Agony of Defeat

Google Analytics is a wonderful tool that allows me to track the traffic of my many faithful followers. After returning home from a disappointing weekend on the road, the results of Google's tracking tool helped lift my spirits a little when I pleasantly discovered that I have a faction of fans located in Spain. Bienvenido, amigos!

Three major upsets occurred in the wide world of sports this weekend during the sweltering heat. The most incredulous loss occurred during my second appearance in the ring at an AKC sanctioned match sponsored by the Mid Susquehanna Valley Kennel Club held in Middleburg, PA. With temperatures climbing well above 100 degrees, all participants both two- and four-legged endured grueling conditions.

Heat aside, my trainers (M & D) are still baffled by the outcome. Even Las Vegas odds makers are still shaking their heads. After an amazing sweep taking Best in Breed where I kicked my own butt (as the only Boxer entry), I placed a lousy three out of three in the Working Class.

Speaking of matches, the next memorable defeat took place on the clay courts at Roland Garros. OUCH!!! What a spanking Roger Federer took from Spain's clay-court king, Raphael Nadal, in the men's final at the French Open. Felicitaciones, Raffy!

Finally, paling in comparison to my let down in Middleburg, the last major newsworthy upset in sports involved Big Brown's bust at Belmont. Horse racing fans across the world are still stunned by Big Brown's last place finish in his quest to become the first Triple Crown winner in 30 years.

I urge you to voice your opinion in my poll as to whose loss was the most devastating.

In loving memory of Beulah Ruth Ellen

August 2, 1998 ~ February 19, 2008
Newman's late sister legendary tennis star Roofie-al Nadal wins her 8th straight Outer Barks Open title on sand

Relay for Life Cookie Monster

Sr. Quality Control Tech with finished product

Following in Beulah Ruth's footsteps, I recently completed my inaugural homemade biscuit drive to raise money for the American Cancer Society by sponsoring my friend, Ginny Blake, in the Relay for Life.

In addition to some flat out begging for contributions, Mom and I baked and sold more than 1,270 biscuits which brought our grand total contribution to the campaign to $450.00.

Ginny and I both thank you for all of your support!

Dad and I present $450 check to Ginny